I went to counseling today. Like every week. YEP… hear the money zooming out of my bank account. And yet, it’s the best money I have probably ever spent.
I have had some really challenging relational issues this year. LIKE WOW. And I am not even meaning primarily between Dan and I, although those have been sprinkled in here and there.
I don’t like it when things don’t end in a place of resolution. I am a dig deep kinda girl. I want to talk it out, fight for the precious relationships in my life, because if I chose you as a friend in the first place I believe YOU are worth fighting for.
If you know me personally you know I am a verbal processor. I will tell you all about the stuff that feels safe, I will work it out in front of you and while it seems vulnerable the real hard, painful stuff I don’t share a whole lot. My places of feeling like a failure, or of shame, they don’t get shared. I am guessing I am not terribly alone in that.
That being said, I know the importance and power in living a vulnerable life. And I don’t mean vulnerable as weak, but as in open, honest, real. There is beauty in us sitting in discomfort with one another and not rushing over the painful spots.
The loss of hope within relationship is really hard. And I literally have paid my counselor weekly mainly to walk me through that for the last several months. Today he got somewhat uncomfortable as I shared the feelings I had this week. The sadness and loss I have begun to process. The grieving that comes with the loss of hope. And in his discomfort he challenged me to try again. I really needed that. The challenge from him came with me sitting up a little straighter and telling him No. Of me reminding him that I had strongly shared my desire for reconciliation, for a chance to walk through the hard places and Lord willing come out still kicking. And that just wasn’t a mutual desire. And so for me to step back and be okay with that is where the growth is happening. He recanted his urging and backed me up, and also commiserated with me on how awkward the discomfort in this situation is.
It is uncomfortable. It is a refining fire.
I will surely remember this season as one of hard relationships, but I think more than that I will remember it as a time of huge growth. Of more fully stepping into who I am, and resisting the urge to put the 100 foot wall up when I get hurt.
In my last blog I mentioned speaking at a conference this fall, and the talk is titled “Grieving the life you planned, in order to step fully into the life you have”. I love the idea of that, and it has been a real things for me. And had no idea exactly how to speak to that. And today I got a little clarity.
When things suck. When hope dies. Instead of recoiling and shrinking back to the place of “I’m fine, I don’t need anyone anyway” or even “see, this is what hope and trust gets you!” Instead of stuffing it all inside- I HAVE to stand in a place of grieving and vulnerability. It does nothing for me to close up, self protect (which I happen to be a master at) or write people off. I truly believe people are doing the very best they can (mostly- there are exceptions to every rule). And this is no different. And that calls for love from me. A search for understanding. And when that wounding creeps up, and I feel my cheeks start to get hot, and my eyes begin to sting holding back the tears- it means stepping into a place of forgiveness over and over and over again.
And when I fall into the lie that I am hopelessly flawed, that my strong personality, and intense self is somehow lesser I will remember this.
God created me to be uniquely who I am. I am always working on self growth and to understand how I can be better, love better, and see things from the view point of others. I am a damn good friend. I will fight to the death for my people. I will send words of encouragement, and little gifts to make your day brighter. I will love the heck out of you. I will watch your kids (even though that is totally not my jam) and I will ask you the hard questions. I will show up even when it is hard, or inconvenient. And more than that, I will fight to continually work things out for as long as you are willing. Even if at times in my own brokenness it is less than perfectly executed. And I HAVE to rest in that. Because I believe fiercely in this sisterhood I speak so frequently of.
I am committed to walking out this grieving and not let it shut me down. It’s not easy, and it’s not fun. But it is “for good”.
And I will leave you with THIS- Broadway’s best outlook on this whole topic.